Fail, fail, fail... and more fail. That pretty much sums up how I feel about my food intake at the moment. I keep promising myself I'll be a good girl and then I eat something I really don't need to eat. I break promise after promise after promise. I'm not putting on weight but I'm not losing it either. I have a couple of good days, then undo it all with a bad day.It's got me thinking... what is with that??? What is frustrating is that I understand what I am doing. I know that I tell myself that some foods are bad and some are good, thereby enhancing my desire for the bad and my self-punishment for eating them afterwards. I know that I obviously don't consider myself worthy to keep the promises I make to myself. I know that small, correctly proportioned meals can fill me up and leave me satisfied and yet I keep using the slightest twang of hunger (or boredom, or thirst) as an excuse to eat more food. I know that I have put weight on and if I don't lose it again fast it will be harder in the long run. I know that I have the willpower to watch other people eat food and not need to join in with them.... and yet I am not backing all of my knowlege up with the correct action.
Knowing the path is different to walking the path. Yup, got it. So why is it so freaking hard to walk the path again, when I know without a doubt, and have in fact, tested this myself, that the path makes me HAPPY! It makes me feel:
- in control;
- powerful;
- attractive;
- confident;
- alive;
- sexy;
- like I can take on the world.
The path I am currently on makes me feel:
- fat;
- unworthy;
- unhappy;
- totally out of control;
- frustrated;
- self conscious;
- unattractive.
So WHAT THE F*&K AM I DOING??? This is 2011 - THE YEAR OF MEL!!! I only have about 5 weeks left, and I'm undoing the amazing achievement that I worked so.freaking.hard to accomplish.
OK - I am going to say this, I need help. I need encouragement. I need you to remind me that I can do this, because I seem to be able to forget it in an instant, conveniently when faced with cake. Any random texts or emails will be appreciated, because sometimes, despite my own (and popular) belief, it's hard to do this stuff alone. So, please help me be accountable to somebody else for a little bit, because I am totally failing at being accountable to myself.
Love you all.
M. x
Hi Mel!
ReplyDeleteI'm on the Cohen diet too! I think you should brush yourself off and do better tomorrow morning! don't be too hard on yourself but at the same time promise and MAKE yourself do better tomorrow. We're all still learning and coping with trying to be healthy and keeping the pounds off so stay positive!