Confessions of a Binge-a-holic...

Hello, and welcome to this week's blog entitled, 'Confessions of a Binge-a-holic...' You may be wondering why I am blogging early (apart from the obvious connotations attached to the title). The main reason is that I have been banned from my scales and so I won't be weighing in this week. Why, I hear you ask? Well, it all started on Saturday morning....

*queue harp strum and scene change*

*Warning: This post may contain swear words.*       (sorry Daddy)

Saturday morning I got up and went to yoga as per usual. On the way home I had my final blood test for my Cohen's journey. This was my routine 20 week blood test (albeit a week early) so that Dr Cohen can put together my refeeding program, check that my kidneys are functioning and make sure that I haven't been cheating. I got out of the blood test, got in the car to drive home and instead of eating 2 crackers for morning tea like I normally do, I ate the whole packet (there were 4 in there). Then I went inside and ate another 4. Then I ate a kiwi fruit. Then I told myself off, did a few chores, and then went back and ate a mango and another 6 crackers. Why? Well... I don't know. I think I went a bit nuts. It was a good old-fashioned binge. Haven't had one of those in AGES! As you can imagine, I was quite annoyed at myself. I then went out for the evening with some girlfriends to celebrate my birthday and am pleased to say that I managed to stay 'deviation-free' for the rest of the evening. NO WINE! No McDonalds on the way home (I thought about it). Seemed like it had just been a temporary blip. I thought I was just rebelling given that I knew I wasn't going to be checked up on again after having my last blood test.

Anyhoo, Sunday was my birthday. I told myself, 'the best present you can give yourself is a deviation-free day.' After all, I really want to lose a bit of extra weight before refeed next week. Everything was ticking along fine until after dinner, when BAM! I felt like a little robot switch had been flicked in my head and I marched downstairs and proceeded to eat 3 crackers and some mango. Dammit.

I drew a line in the sand at that moment and declared that I was 'getting back on the bus' on Monday. I had the day off, no stress, and 10 days until refeed. I put little post-it notes all over the house with *10 days to go!* and made a commitment to myself that I was going to stick to it for 10 days as there is only 10 days left of the program. Things were great until about 4 pm when I ate the apple I had been saving for dessert. I started to get a little worried but thought that going to yoga would distract me. I came home, ate dinner, ate the cracker I'd saved for dessert, and then ate 3 small kiwi fruits, 4 crackers and a mango. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccck!

Needless to say that I am obviously having some sort of mid-diet-crisis. I rang the clinic this morning to have a chat to my wonderful Consultant (after, of course, calling my Mum!). I was expecting to cop an absolute bollocking but she was amazing (the Consultant; not my Mum - Mum is always amazing). My Consultant said that the first binge would have triggered the cravings for the last 2 days (once you overdose on carbs, you crave more carbs) and that I am obviously having a physical and mental block about losing weight (given I was the same weight all of last week until weigh in day and I'm now sitting on that weight again). Firstly, the mental block is just psychological around the usual self-sabotage and rebelling against pressure (France) and the physical - well, I haven't been this light since I was 18. She said my body is fighting against me by telling me that something is wrong and making me want to eat more. So instead of telling me to stick to my diet she has told me to eat more food. The idea being that my body will stop panicking about being thinner than normal and relax. So I am having my biggest meal at lunch now, with a bit of extra meat and veg, as well as an extra fruit. I am to do this for 7 days and during this time I am absolutely not allowed to weigh myself. She said I can't weigh until next Wed, but given refeed is on Thursday I will just wait until then. Bit scared about not knowing how I'm tracking, but all I can do is try and keep off those scales.

I am also a bit scared about having another binge tonight. I have saved 2 crackers and an apple so I'm going to make myself a nice dessert and hopefully I can control myself.

WISH ME LUCK! God knows I need it.

I should get my refeeding program in the mail by the end of this week so I might put up a blog about it, even if I don't weigh in. If not, I'll get back to you all next week.

M. x

PS - It's so hilarious that I thought I should mention; this week I've had cake shoved in my face about 12 times. I've managed to avoid eating the most divine smelling lemon cake, cinnamon tea cake, tim tams, tiramisu (OMG I LOVE TIRAMISU), chocolate croissants and WHITE CHOCOLATE MUDCAKE FROM THE CHEESECAKE SHOP (one of my favourites), and yet, I couldn't say no to kiwifruit, crackers and mangoes. Funny.